Tuesday, February 21, 2012

my rant

lmao so basically, this is what i wrote last night. i never knew i could write something for this long. maybe it was some sort of too caught up in the moment or smth like that. hahaha i dunno. anyway so this is my rant. fck grammar, i wrote this at 3am. expect nothing.

i'm worrying about something called future. there's uncertainty. in which things might change througout the times. you won't know what fate has on you. far from that.

i don't know if it's really the best choice though. because i can't seem to find myself there. among those people. something is off, and i can sense it.

however, it's not like i'm 100% sure of it as well. i don't know if my mind only plays a trick on me at the moment. telling me to be unsure about my choices. because maybe, maybe it is fun to play with insecurity.

i'm not regreting anything though. i know there's no point of doing it so. i'm just worried, about what the future holds.

i do understand. the best way might not be the easiest way. but i'm scared, that i might realise it for too late, when i simply can't back off anymore. at all. to keep doing things that i don't feel like, for the rest of my life. maybe not for the rest. but long enough.

thinking for too much is really unhealthy. this is one of my (bad) traits that i can't seem to throw off, even when I (really) want to. but it's normal to worry about uncertainty right? esp when it's about your own future. because you'll be the one who's living it.

I just want grasp what is already there. as simple as that. i'm not as complicated as it seems. no, i didn't even seem complicated at all, i figure.

to be quite honest, i feel scary as shit, but i also feel like the biggest douche around. whining all the times, like some sort of ungrateful kid. i feel awful, i don't even know myself right now..

it's terrifying how your own mind can do such things for you. rather than you control it, it's doing its own wonders. put your life in fear. not the most important one in a way, though. but still.

young, wild and free. the best descriptions for myself that i can only think of right now. what's annoying is that -as i said before- things might change, throughout the times. whereas maybe, for the next 3? 5? or 7 years, i'm not as young (of course), wild and free as i'm now anymore.

what if i'm listening to myself right now? what if i'm not? which I will regret? I'm uncertain of myself. I saw lots of people changed. will i do too?

what if i regret this? what if i regret that? people change, of course. but there's the amount of it. how much it will be. perhaps to the degree in which he/she become a whole new person? or just slight changes here and there? no one knows. what about me? how much i will change?

I know i have done, am doing and (of course) will keep doing stupid things and mistakes. it's human nature after all. what could you expect. as they said "life didn't come with instructions". so yeah, it's normal to act out of line sometimes (i said sometimes okay? not all the times). but I don't regret it at all, for doing stupid things (i regret it at one point though. but there's much more of it). i learnt from there, and that's what makes me right now. so whatever stupid things i'll decide to make in the future, please understand, it's just my nature (it's people's nature). i'm comfortable from learning through my own experiences. it made me realised deeply, that there's lots of things i still need to see. and no, it's not some stupid things like using drugs or smth like that. i'm not that stupid.

tired as f*ck, i can't think properly. having sleepless nights. it's really disturbing, and that's why i'm writing this right now (it's 3am fyi, tried to sleep from 2-3 hours ago. but can't). i just need to get these out of my chest.

with this, i just hope that it could helps me relief some stress i'm having right now. hopefully.

now the question is. what i should do with my own life exactly?

ps. i hungry. really really hungry.
pss. seriously can't sleep. and i'm having morning class today. until 5pm. /sigh
psss. take me to koreaaaaa